I was induced.
I like the womb.
I like hot water bottles, heating pads, and soft blankets.
I make low-slung forts out of sheets and climb under them so I can breathe.
I prefer to sleep on my stomach (though try not to because it whacks out my neck.)
I had no desire to enter this 3D world, naked and cold without a bubble of warmth around me.
I wanted to stay inside and muse.
Ruminate. Sensate.
But dad had a new job at DuPont – in Delaware – so I got yanked out before I decided to come out. If ever – I would have.
I’m still getting over it.
I am still getting used to it.
THE COLD AIR, CONCRETE, FLORESCENT LIGHTING.
I sat – still sit – in the back of class head down doing best to disappear.
Choose corners in cafes and padded booths in diners.
For a decade I slept all day and was up all night.
Nocturnal. Off the grid.
Then I spelunked my life. 36 hours awake, 12 asleep.
Oh – and I got an unidentifiable auto-immune illness for ten years that kept me in the country and off the streets, out of punch card jobs and nightclubs.
I chose to be a songwriter and poet – to plumb the depths of feeling and psyche . . . a long inward journey instead of happy hikes up the canyon with bright eyed newly arrived actors from Boise and Bowling Green . . . and Brazil.
ALL ATTEMPTS TO HIDE.
CRAWL BACK INSIDE TO SAFETY. TO WARMTH.
Maybe this was rebellion at having been yanked out before my time – and my choice.
A QUIET REBELLION OF RESISTANCE.
A REBELLION AT LIFE.
AT SHINING OUT LOUD.
Maybe I’ve felt I have to reclaim my ability to choose by absconding from limelights that seem to find their way to my crazy hair and blue-eyed visage –
And then I duck – for safety.
“I AM NOT SAFE HERE,” SAYS BODY.
“I DID NOT MEAN TO BE NOTICED, I’M SORRY,” SAYS MOUTH.
And then it happens again – I am >>> POINTED OUT.
I AM INDUCED TO COME OUT INTO THE LIGHT.
I am tired.
Resistance takes effort.
It is enervating.
And useless.
And I am wise enough to know better.
I teach flow and speak of no time no space LOVE IS.
And yet, I still find myself wanting to climb back under the covers make a tent and –
SIT THIS INCARNATION OUT.
Then I remember.
I believe in Immortality.
No time no space circular exponential desires manifesting more love is radiating . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
Infinitely . . . . . . . . .
So what the hell am I waiting for?
Nothing is going to end.
I’m not going to get out that easily.
I can skip shining like I carefully skipped school – but I still matriculated – still have those degrees . . .
I can duck when the lime lights headlights stage lights come my direction – but they will swing around again . . .
And I want to save my knees
And stop throwing my neck out.
I am tired of ducking for safety.
Today, I officially:
INDUCE MYSELF INTO THIS BRILLIANT WORLD.
I ACCEPT MY SHINE AND ENCOURAGE YOU WOMB LOVING TENT BUILDING LATE BLOOMING INCARNATED BEAMS OF LIGHT TO DO THE SAME!